Tuesday, 10 June 2014

The grass is always greener and the dog bed more fluffly ... on the other side!!!

We all want what other people have.  It's been proven in experiments that a person can stand on a cerbside and offer freestuff.  People just walk past.  Put a crowd around that same person and folks will flock to his side.  

A guy chats you up and you think 'yeah, ok but not  interested'.  Put a hot woman by his side after you've turned him down, and suddenly you're thinking he's a lot hotter and you wonder what you passed up!  Of course this works both ways for the guys that are reading this !

It seems my four beloved paws have a similar outlook.  The three rescues I have were all quite happy with their dogbeds until I got the fourth lost pooch who has now joined the Mutley Crew.  She's a lot smaller, 8 month golden spaniel (now named Goose) so when I got her a dog bed it was half the size of the others.  

What happened?  All three other heffalumps have been determined to squeeze themselves into this dog bed, entirely ignoring their own.  They look ridiculously cute jammed in there ... but still, it just goes to show that we all want what someone else has ... even if you're a dog. 

Here's two of the other three heffalumps clickenzi here!

Monday, 9 June 2014

Dating is tricky

It's about time I had a somewhat more frivolous post .... So here goes.
Dating after 38 plus is tricky.  
In your 20's you're out and about with mates all the time, the world is your oyster, the nightlife prolific, and the bars and clubs choc-a-bloc with limitless testosterone fuelled hunting options!   But now?
Well most of my friends are married with kids so I don't get to see that much of them, and when I do go out I'm chatted up by 25 year olds.  WTF???!!!

Most of the older guys I meet (like my age) are married or pretending not to be - which really PISSES ME OFF.  So not by choice I seem to be slipping into Cougar mode.  Somewhat ironic since in my teens and early twenties I only dated older guys.  This is turning into the dating version of Benjamin Button !!!

Fortunately my weekends out are going to be nipped in the bud for a few weeks since I just went back onto radio for the first time in years ...  for your edification I'm a radio DJ by trade.

What I love is the immediacy of the medium.  You get the privelidge of being in peoples lives RIGHT NOW!  Doesn't matter what they're doing; they could be driiving, at a braai or BBQ, in the kitchen, in the bedroom ... if the radio is on you're right there with them.
I frikking LOVE IT !!!

I can safely say there is no-where I'd rather be for the next few week weekends than in the studio on-air ... OK well realistically the Maldives is probably the top contender, but aside from that .. it's the studio!

That said I'm going to be a responsible adult (doesn't happen often with me) for a few weekenends, concentrate on the shows and put the 25 year olds on hold!

Maybe by the time this cougar gets out they'll have grown up a bit .... hell one might even have had a birthday and turned 26! 

More Blogs to read???  Try this one - clickenzi here !!!!

Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Is it safe to date a Borderline or Narcissist ? Welcome to the Twilight Zone !

Would you willingly put your head into a lion's uber toothy mouth, or play russian roulette with a half-loaded revolver?   No, I didn't think so. 

Chances are that you don't know you are in a relationship with a Borderline.  I'd picked up on a few traits over the time we lived together, (a smidgen of narcissism combined with underlying rage which was hidden well) but erroneously thought that X (as in my ex) had bi-polar tendencies, and might have been a bit vain.   
(DUMBASS !!!  Please excuse the note to self, but I should have listened to my intuition ! )  
At the time I'd never heard of Borderline Personality Disorder.  If I had, I would have read the signs more accurately.  At least I'd like to think that I would have.

In every relationship, family, friend or lover, it's important to take note of how he or she talks of how they have treated others in the past.  I foolishly ignored this most important rule of life.  X often spoke of others with disdain and shared information that was less than favourable about them. Yes it made me uncomfortable, buuuut .... I didn't call him on it.  If you're thinking I'm a bit of a dumbass right now (you might have noticed that is one of my favourite words at the moment) you'd be right, since that is probably when I should have run for the hills.

So back to the arc of your relationship, after the intense passion, declarations of love and when you do start to soften and trust, the tears will probably be yours and so will the pain.  The only thing that will differ from one person to another is the time line.  It seems there is no such thing as a sustainable relationship for most people with BPD.  
By the way feel free to disagree with me, and then give examples of long term, sustained and relatively drama-free relationships over 5 years.  Yes, even a Borderline can marry... but will they stay married?

Oh and the reason this blog came about?   Is because someone suggested that X might be Borderline... and so I started googling.
After poring through articles, blogs and forums, I have to say that yup, Holy Mother Of Antweasels !!!  
I concur.  
So I thought I'd share.

Soooo... as you might have gathered by now this isn't going to be one of my funnier or more flippant blogs ... but if you're out there and dating you might want to read it ... then you might want to click here to find out more about male BPD.  Knowledge is power, it might also prevent your heart from being severely dented or broken.

So here goes, this is wildly personal but hopefully might help someone else out there, which is why I'm committing this to paper.  OK, well virtual paper.

When you're told you are "The One," that you're the only person who has ever had the capacity to hurt him (or her) and the depth of his love scares him because for the first time in his life he is vulnerable ...and when you're treated as such in all ways to the point of it being almost overwhelming.  When you feel so completely loved, adored and cherished, it is devastating to have that person walk out of the relationship with no remorse, compassion or regret.  In a split second love turns to indifference or hate like the flip of a coin.

Does this sound familiar?

To add insult to injury (or so it feels at the time) they carry on their lives as if you never existed!  They're happy, they move on ... and you're left in the aftermath of a hurricane wondering what the hell just happened.

Imagine for a moment that you are in this relationship.
Sound impossible?  Well sadly it's not.  Welcome to the Twilight Zone.

I had known and hung out as friends with X eighteen years previously, and while I saw a lot of him we never really spoke of anything particularly deep.  He wanted a relationship but I wasn't interested, at the time feeling that he might be too shallow and was just a 'pretty face with a great body'.   It seems wisdom does not always come with age after all !!!

Fast forward fifteen years later and we meet up again.  I'd been overseas for over a decade and we'd lost touch, so although there were rumours that he was A Player I chose to go with my instinct and my view of him.  
(Hey, there are always unfounded rumours, and for the most part I prefer to judge people and situations for myself.) 
The more I saw of him, the more I revised my opinion of eighteen years ago. I started to feel that with age and experience he had matured into an intelligent, accomplished and deep man.  He was still good looking and had carried on at the gym to the point that other men spoke of him looking like a Greek God.  
(Yeah, I know that sounds ridiculous but it's true.)
Since I've never dated anyone based purely on looks, the Greek God thing didn't bother me one way or the other ... 
... actually that's a lie.

I DID have worries early on that anyone looking like that might be narcissistic, but X went out of his way to dispel those concerns, although now and again I felt it might be peeking through. He spoke of Buddhism (he has Buddhas all over his house) his desire to council those in need, and the altruistic acts he had done for others ... and slowly, story by story, day by day, I began to fall for him.

I shared my core values with him, and the more I shared the more I discovered that he was indeed the perfect man for me.   I see now that he adapted to accommodate me (a BPD trait) ... remember Runaway Bride?  Julia Robert's character didn't even know how she really liked her eggs?  Well it turns out nor did X (just so we're clear the eggs are a metaphor) but at the time it didn't feel that way, I just thought that we were fabulously compatible.  
Yeah right Miss Rose Coloured Glasses.  If it walks like a swan, quacks like a swan and swims like a swan ... it's a swan .... however if that swan lays golden eggs, is made out of calorie-free-chocolate?  
Well then it's too good to be true, and best you work out what it really is, before it bites you in the ass !

The relationship started from a spark to a forest fire, blazing as if out of control, and grew quickly with seismic intensity. He moved in after a couple of months, and showed no signs to myself or anyone else that he was nothing but completely besotted and in love, and so I let my guard down and loved him back...  because I thought it was safe for me to do so.

He introduced me to his family and went out of his way to meet mine (they were in Italy and he was in South Africa so it was an extravagant and expensive trip to make) ... his mother commented that she'd never seen him be so affectionate with any of his past girlfriends, and his brother told him to marry me ... so with all this love, affection and even validation from friends and family, I believed everything he said.

Dumbass!  Sorry that was just another note to self ... my fingers took over and ran away with the keyboard !!!

He spoke of a future together, joked about buying a ring (how much it would cost - I like rocks) consulted me as if I were an Oracle on all minutiae in his life.  I have no doubt that he loved me at the time, and I have no doubt that he believed everything he said,  but unfortunately with a Borderline, their love doesn't behave as the love you and I know.

After three months of living together (in my house) and five months in ... still affectionate, still loving, still making plans for the future and for no apparent reason, the day after he said "I must get someone to put my house on the market to rent"  he just felt different.  
Ice cold.  Distant.

That same morning he walked out the door to go to work like every other day... no actually he didn't walk...it was more like a sprint, the Usain Bolt 100m ice-dash .... and that was it, he was gone.
That afternoon I got a text citing that he needed space and was going to sleep at his house. Four days later I got another text that he wanted to pick up his stuff.

I was devastated.

When I called him all he could say was that he "just wasn't feeling it anymore".

I'd gone from being the love of his life, to a random person to be broken up with on Whatssap.  Gotye had it right ... "Now you're just somebody that I used to know."   Bummer.

I don't think I've ever felt so betrayed in my life, and if you read more about BPD you'll understand why.

I will concede that I picked up signs like a lack of empathy early on, however I misread them, and figured that he would soften and heal with love. 

Boy was that a costly mistake to make.  So please DON'T  rinse and repeat.... stay the hell away!  Run!

Early on in the relationship he shared with me the details of what can only be described as a hellish childhood - no-one should ever have to go through anything like that - but again I reasoned to myself that love would soften him.  I had always believed that real love - the unselfish and unconditional kind - can heal most things.  I now know that is not always the case.

In the aftermath the world looks so very different today.  It's like finding out your favourite love song was written about french fries, and that unicorns and rainbows may not exist after all.... and Prince Charming?  Definitely not.

X had - and still has - the capacity to excise people from his life with no regret, and although this trait made me uncomfortable and was a red flag, I rationalised it away thinking he only did this to people that had crossed him or betrayed him in some way.

And then with no rhyme, reason or warning he did it to me. 

The shock, trauma and complete inability to understand what had happened was overwhelming at the time, but now I know about BPD everything has clicked into place.  No, I'm not happy about any of this and if I could erase any relationship I've had from my life it would be this one.  
So please, make this blog and the experience worthwhile by learning from my mistakes.  Sharing my heart and ill-judgement on a public page is not comfortable, but I feel it may benefit or help someone else.  At least I hope so.

There are more than a few other tendencies of BPD that I can apply to X, which is why this has all started to make sense, so please don't think I've tried to "diagnose" him on the strength of what I've shared here.  Firstly I'm not a professional, so I'm not qualified to do so..... but with the knowledge of everything I've experienced of him, with him ... there is so much more to the story than this, which reinforces my belief...   however I feel that I've shared more than enough about someone else ... so I'll leave it there.

Enough time has now passed so I've been able to let go of the feelings I had for him, added to which he's gone out of his way to blatently ignore friends of mine (also friendly with him) so I'm doing what I can to cut him out like a cancer. 
Now I know who he really is and what he is capable of...  my head can at least have the upper hand over my heart and dictate that it's not smart to love someone that dangerous or damaging.

A leopard will never change his spots ... nor will a sociopath.  Actually that's unfair to leopards to lump them in that analogy.  Leopards, I apologise!

X has (on a sunny day) good qualities, generosity, kindness (selectively), humour, and having overcome the obstacles faced with in his childhood and adolescence, he has become, for the most part, a successful man... but I suppose that view is selective and I know that not everyone would agree with me on that.  Hey no-one is perfect, least of all me, which is why I choose not to throw stones, but lack of empathy or compassion to the point of cruelty - I realise now - is a deal breaker. 

If more people knew about BPD I feel there is a good chance fewer hearts would be broken, so I hope this has helped you in some small way ...  and that you click on the links above they are informative.

It's one crazy, crackerjack, roller-coaster of a world out there ... so stay safe!

ps ... perhaps you are a man who has had a relationship like this ... or you know a man that has?  
If so click here ...

Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Achy Breaky Heart !!!

I find it wryly amusing that having my heart bounced around like a demented rubber ball being chased by two jack russels has provoked quite so many responses, and aside from My Ex is Gay has now been one of my most read posts.  

At least the experience has been good for something,  and it's been good for my soul to read your comments.

There are some people this year I've been lucky to have in my life and some I can safely say I wish I'd never met ... and at this point I agree with Mark Twain's sentiments,  "The more people I meet the more I love my dogs."  
Yes I know he didn't say that, but his quote is the essence of the above, for meeting people is also getting to know them, and as we all know, that has it's down sides.

So here's to a better 2014 for us all ... and thanks for reading, empathising and enjoying... see you in the New Year  xxx

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

How to lose a guy in 60 seconds or less!

Never mind the movie How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days and move over Kate Hudson.  

Like Angelina Jolie I can make a guy 'Gone In 60 Seconds!'   It seems I have it down to a fine art.

People have been asking me, why aren't you blogging as much?  

I've replied "Because I find it impossible to keep my personal life out of a blog, and that might be too intrusive for some people."

I really should have stuck to that.  But hey, who takes their own advice?  Clearly not me.  Dumbass.

A while ago I had some fun with The Upsides and Downsides of a blog.

At that point I wasn't in a relationship.... however since the last one has just imploded faster than Kim Kardashian's marriage I'm feeling free to continue!
Perhaps I should have attended the Sense and Sensitivity lectures on how not to irk those you love, or have loved. But hey stuff it, if it happens I'll write about it, that's kind of how this works.

So sensitivity aside, what the fuck is space anyway?  
If you're talking about the boundless three-dimensional extent in which objects and events have relative position and direction, the Big Bang Theory (love that show) or the interstellar aspect of it, then fair enough.   

But tell me you want space when you're on terra firma, and living together?  That's just bullshit-commitment-phobia ... which by the way, I did strenuously vet for on the way in. 

I did everything bar X-rays, CAT scans and an anal probe to check out X  (X ... as in anonymity and ex - X ... kinda works out doncha think?) ... and was told by X in firm terms that in no way was he a commitment phobic.

Well now the dust has settled after a sprint that Usain Bolt would have been proud of ... so sorry Mr-I-Have-No-Commitment-Issues ....  I beg to differ.

There are some warning signs though.  Just a thought, if you've never heard of BPD  ...  Borderline Personality Disorder ... and you're still single, and out there dating you might want to hit google.

It would have helped me IMMEASURABLY if I'd known of this condition before embarking on the last particularly disastrous relationship.  If nothing else, at least you might be able to learn from my mistakes ..

...Good luck out there!!!

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Nelson Mandela - the stories we never heard

RIP Tata Madiba ...

Obama's thoughts were beautiful "he achieved more than could be expected of any man ... He took history in his hands and bent the arc of the moral universe towards justice".

I often wish I could be a better person, and it's something I strive for. Nelson Mandela and a couple of other special people inspire me to achieve this.

He was a shining light and inspiration to us all, that we should nurture love, freedom and justice, turning our backs on greed, bitterness & hate.
Our world is a better place because of this exceptional man, let us please learn from him and embrace his ethos ... He was truly a gift from God.

Listening to the tributes pouring in, the stories that touch my heart are the ones where he acted as a kind, generous man, and not just the stories that we all know where he was a great leader ... which of course he was.  

We who have lived in the age of Nelson Mandela have had the privilege to experience the strongest, most moral and influential leader this world has ever had the honour to know. 

Touching tales are now coming out now like when he was traveling with his cavalcade and army of body guards.  He saw a woman on the side of the road with a flat tire, rain was pouring down and she was completely sodden and stranded.

What did he do?

He got out of his car with his bodyguards and asked her if he could help.

That is just one of the many stories that we've never heard, and living in a constant state of kindness and generosity, you can bet that there are hundreds if not thousands of acts of kindness Tata has done, which we will probably never hear of ... which again takes him from the exceptional to the divine.

Nelson Rolihlahla Madiba - a man who took the concept of Pay It Forward and made it his own.  Let us all embrace these great qualities, for surely that would be the best tribute we could ever give this great man, honouring his life, by living ours to the same values.

A true leader doesn't build multi-million rand/dollar palaces to live in, he looks after the poor and helpless of his nation.  It's about time that South Africa's current leaders get a grip, stop grabbing everything they can for themselves and start looking after their people who they are supposed to serve.

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

I'm not a bad bad girl!

It seems I'm a crap revolutionary.  Determined to avoid all gantrys yesterday as part of my E-toll protest, I got stuck in the most God-awful traffic jams.  I might have missed lunch with my cousin, but at least I stuck to my guns for what I believe in.  
What a dumbass.

Anyway, last night chauffeured by my boyfriend, en route to Dave Matthews and in my car, we did not hold to the same ethos.   (NOT my choice.) 

Bearing in mind the FBF** is almost always right (so irritating) I can't say I got much satisfaction from the 180 that followed.

The conversation went something like this.

"Baby, we're on the toll road, there's going to be a gantry, I don't have an etag."

"Relax baby, we'll be fine, there aren't any gantry's near here, what your seeing is a blue building sign."
"Yes I know that's a sign baby, but just around the corner from the sign there is a gantry."
"There isn't baby, the next one is 20ks away."
"No it's not honey, it's just up the road."
"Really there isn't one, relax."
"Honey, yes there is, it's just around the corner."
"That's the blue sign you're seeing."
"I can see the sign and that's not what I'm talking about."
"What's the bet?"
"What's the bet if you're wrong."
"But I'm not wrong."
"Yes you are."

Cue the long pause as we pass the blue sign and the indigo gantry materialises.

"And there it is"  Giving him a beady eye.   

* note the distinct lack of babies and honeys now on both sides of this conversation.

Oh thanks.  This was not something I wanted to be right about dammit.  So now, etagless I have to go through this whole bloody legal protest to ensure I stay withing my rights and the law.

I'd make a crap outlaw.

PS: no boyfriends were hurt in the making of this blog and I do still love him madly. **
PPS  In case you're wondering, FBF stands for Fabulous Boyfriend !

For Who The E-bell tolls .... it tolls for you  ... blog CLICK HERE !!!!!